No Gray
by bjxmas
Summary: 7.03 The Girl Next Door - A series of drabbles – Dean is in a no-win situation. A glimpse inside his head as he considers his actions. How hard is it to be a hunter, to make those impossible decisions? Last chapter is Dean's final journey to discovery.
1. Duty

_4.03 The Girl Next Door tag_

Chapter One - Duty

You can't change who you are.

I know. I've tried.

If you kill humans, I'm going to find you and kill you.

It's who I am.

I'm a killer too.

The difference is I kill evil.

It's simple, black and white.

You are what you are.

No gray.

The hunger is too strong.

We're fools to think differently.

That only causes more pain, more death.

I don't like it, but that's the way it is.

You may not kill today or tomorrow.

But it's coming.

I can't risk another life.

I'm sorry.

That's just the way it has to be.

The End

bjxmas

October 2011

All standard disclaimers apply.

_Dean, you shocked me with your actions and yet I understand. A hunter's life is a hard life, with brutal actions that damage the man as much as the creatures he hunts. How you maintain your humanity, how you build that shield around your heart to not feel the pain, how you've managed to remain upright for all these years, is truly amazing. _

_But something's coming. A confrontation, a collapse of your walls, an acknowledgement of the pressure and the pain. It is inevitable._

_I only want to bear witness and see you rebuild, stronger than ever. I am so scared for you, but I know you will come through the other side. You are too strong to falter now._

_Guh…these boys are tearing my heart out yet again. Nothing is ever easy for them, from the external threat to the inner battle. And yet they persevere. One only hopes there are more of their kind out there, in the real world making those hard decisions to protect us, regardless of the personal cost._

_Thanks for reading. I'd love to hear your comments on the drabble and also on Dean's actions. _

_Just look at our little horror show now! Bold and true and unafraid to get down and dirty. I love examining those shades of gray. _

_So far I have eight drabbles written and will post more soon._

_Later, B.J._


	2. Compassion

Chapter Two - Compassion

It's comforting to think you make your own decisions.

That you control your fate.

We're born into our lives.

Or we're made.

Regardless, you are who you are, what you do.

Killing is killing.

Doesn't matter why.

Doesn't matter if you're sorry or promise to never kill again.

You can't control the need.

The hunger.

Lenore tried and failed.

You will too.

It's just a matter of time.

Compassion is blind faith,

Ignorance and hope.

I can't afford that luxury.

Can't take that risk.

I have a responsibility.

To not let it happen again.

To end it before it begins.

The End

bjxmas

October 2011

_I love Dean's certainty, how he always seems able to see beyond what's expected and hold firm to his own beliefs. It is so much harder when you care. But I hope he never shuts down his empathy, even if it does make his job so damn difficult, taking on their pain as his own and bearing that guilt. _

_I love the discussion Supernatural fosters, the debates on the right and wrong of it, and where it all might lead. Comments are appreciated. Thanks for stopping by, B.J._


	3. Understand

Chapter Three – Understand

_Please, you don't understand._

_I won't kill again._

_I only killed to save my son, my family._

_Can't you understand that?_

I understand.

I'm sorry it has to come to this.

Sam cares for you.

Feels he owes you.

_He__ does. __I __saved__ him._

_Twice I could have killed him._

I know.

Doesn't change anything.

_Why?_

Because I have to.

I don't have a choice.

Just like you don't have a choice.

You will kill again.

_No, I told you, I won't._

No, _you_ don't understand.

You can't change who you are.

You will kill if I don't stop you.

The End

bjxmas

October 2011

All standard disclaimers apply.

_As complicated as it all seems, Dean is able to condense it down to the bottom line. As a hunter he knows she will kill again, when need or opportunity presents itself. She might be able to justify it, but it still means a human will be dead. In Dean's eyes that is unacceptable. It is the hunter code, his responsibility, his need for order in a crazy world, that makes the decision a simple one…even if the fallout is severe._

_Thanks for reading, comments appreciated. Later, B.J._


	4. Light

Chapter Four - Light

I watched the light go out of her eyes.

Heard the soft gasp as she settled down to die.

Death is never peaceful, never gentle.

The good sleep never comes.

Not when youth and passion are stolen by a killer.

She turned cold, like me.

The silence stretching out as her breath stilled.

The red from her wound soiling her shirt.

Evidence of what I'd done.

The mark of my justice.

I'd steeled my heart to what needed doing.

And yet, witnessing it, causing it…

It left a chill…

A scar.

A spot on my soul that nothing could ease.

The End

bjxmas

October 2011

All standard disclaimers apply.

_This is the true tragedy of the episode, that even though Dean can totally justify the kill, she is dead and he is further damaged as a result. Dean, you can't continue down this path, stuffing all your feelings into that lead box. Denial is a bitch; eventually she will rise up and threaten to take you down. There are no winners here, except that unnamed victim from the future who will never know what was sacrificed to save them. Never even know they needed saving._

_My heart breaks for you, Dean!_

_Again, anonymous reviews are enabled; any and all comments are appreciated. Thanks for stopping by, B.J._


	5. Monster

Chapter Five – Monster

Sam isn't the freak, I am.

Sam cares, he wants to do good.

I can't blame him for wanting to protect his friend.

For wanting to spare her.

I wish I could be so innocent, so caring.

The things I've done.

What I've seen.

On earth and in Hell.

I can't let it touch me.

Can't let it stop me.

This caring…this compassion.

I have to lock it down and do the job.

Life is hard.

What we do as hunters even harder.

I can't allow myself to feel.

I know I'm a killer.

Maybe that makes me the monster.

The End

bjxmas

October 2011

All standard disclaimers apply.

_Dean could never be less than heroic in my eyes. I only wish he could feel good again about what he does instead of focusing on the nastiness of the job. The very fact that he thinks so little of himself shows he isn't lost to the dark. He just doesn't see the light within his own soul, the tenderness he shoves down because in this life it seems a liability. It isn't, it is what keeps him human._

_Thanks again. Comments?_


	6. Revenge

Chapter Six – Revenge

I did what I had to do.

What Dad would have done.

What needed doing.

Still, her eyes haunt me.

_His_ eyes haunt me…her boy.

He didn't need to see that.

Didn't need to be thrust into the dark so soon.

He's still a child, unformed except by me.

He wants to kill me.

I don't blame him.

It's what I'd do.

I deserve it.

I hope he finds me first before any others.

Assuming I'm still alive.

When he comes for me is when I'll kill him.

Not before.

Not until he's grown.

Until he's killed.

Until it's time.

The End

bjxmas

October 2011

All standard disclaimers apply.

_Amy's boy was an unexpected complication. Jensen masterfully portrayed Dean's conflict upon turning to find him there. An important point to make is Dean didn't kill Amy in front of her child, the kid wandered in after. Still, it is heartbreaking and while the smart thing would have been to end him, that's not Dean. Dean has his own code, his own limits to what he will do._

_I couldn't help but consider Dean at that age, how he saw more than a child should ever see. I think Dean related to the kid in that regard. They are/were young children put on a path not of their choosing. The hunter asked if he had killed and then threatened him if he ever did. The man allowed the boy to live, gave the child the chance to grow up. It shows his compassion is still there, shoved down but never capable of being truly buried. _

_Thanks again for reading and all the insightful discussions in the reviews. This is why I love our little show so damn much. It gets us thinking and it makes us feel!_

_Later, B.J._


	7. Weakness

Chapter Seven - Weakness

The smart thing would have been to kill the boy.

Kill the _creature_ and end the threat.

He needs human flesh to survive.

That makes him a monster in my book.

But he's also a child.

An innocent…in his own way.

He didn't ask for this.

Hasn't killed _yet._

I know what I should have done.

But I couldn't.

Couldn't kill a kid.

I don't know what that says about me.

That I'm weak…not strong enough to follow through and do the tough part of the job?

Or that I'm human…still not totally lost to the dark?

Time will tell.

The End

bjxmas

October 2011

All standard disclaimers apply.

_The very fact that Dean agonizes over this, has nightmares and drinks to forget, proves he is the compassionate, sensitive man forced by duty and circumstance to do the harsh deeds. It is the dichotomy of his personality; he is so many men warring within one soul and body. First and foremost, he is a good man, a true hero. Doing what he does for the good of mankind, regardless of the personal cost._

_Many thanks for reading and to those who choose to comment, each review is truly appreciated. Take care, B.J._


	8. Lies

Chapter Eight – Lies

Avoidance.

Deception.

Lies.

Tales we tell ourselves to justify our actions.

I don't want to lie to Sam.

Don't want to hide who I am or what I'm capable of.

Don't want to hurt him.

But I will…hurt him, betray his trust.

Either through my actions.

Or by my lies.

It's inevitable that he'll find out.

Nothing stays silent forever.

The other shoe will drop.

I know that.

For now, I lie to myself.

That it's easier this way.

That I'm protecting Sam.

That doing what needed doing and hiding it was necessary.

More lies before the truth wins out.

The End

bjxmas

October 2011

All standard disclaimers apply.

_I too don't like the lies and deception between the boys, but I understand the whys of it. Nothing good will come of it. Nothing but guilt and more pain. But it isn't done with malice, rather it is done to protect, as misplaced as that may be. You gotta feel for these guys. And I do believe it eats Dean up to lie to Sam, the one person he never wants to shut out._

_Comments appreciated. Thanks for stopping by, B.J._


	9. Truth

Chapter Nine – Truth

_Dean, tell me the truth._

_You killed her?_

_How could you?_

_You told me you trusted me._

_And then you go behind my back and what?_

_You just stabbed her through the heart?_

_I'd handled it, it was over._

No, Sam.

With her alive, it would never be over.

She would always be a threat.

I'm sorry.

I didn't want to do it.

But it needed doing.

_Why?_

_Because she was a monster?_

_A freak like me?_

_So, would you end me?_

_What makes me any different than her?_

You don't kill people. She does.

It's as simple as that.

The End

bjxmas

October 2011

All standard disclaimers apply.

_To Dean, it is that simple. Plus I don't think Dean could ever kill Sam. Even if he had to rethink his views, make that exception. For Sam there is only one answer._

_Thanks again for reading…and I'd love to hear your thoughts. Later, B.J._


	10. Brother

Chapter Ten - Brother

He asks me again if I could kill him.

Kill my own brother.

No.

Never.

I could never end his life.

Never let him go.

Never give up.

I know him.

Better than I know myself.

I will believe in him to whatever end that takes me.

I've seen into his heart.

Pure and just.

Kind and true.

Sam is _Sam._

My brother.

My friend.

The best part of me.

The hope of what I can be.

I'd rather die than lose that.

Lose that chance at normal.

At a life beyond hunting.

He's my family.

All I have left.

The End

bjxmas

October 2011

All standard disclaimers apply.

_And it isn't that Sam is all Dean is. But Dean values family, values his brother, values Sam. Dean is more apt to hurt himself by taking on all the blame and guilt and responsibility willingly, than ever feel or see how unfair it all is. He is the big brother, the protector, and that is a huge part of who he is and how he sees himself…but no, it certainly is not all. There is such depth to Dean; we've only scratched the surface. Yes, like Jo said, Dean needs to find out who he is before he dies. He is not 90% crap…not hardly. One day he'll see that._

_Thanks for stopping by. Later, B.J._


	11. Normal

Chapter Eleven – Normal

What is normal?

Since when have we ever been normal?

I don't even remember what that feels like.

What that is.

Sam thinks he's not normal.

He doesn't realize, no one is.

We're all damaged…bent…_wrong_.

The most we can hope for is to keep trying.

Striving to do the best we can…with what we've got.

I don't know when I lost all hope.

I feel like nothing will ever be the same.

_I'll_ never be the same.

I'll never be normal.

That's okay.

I learned long ago to not expect more.

I just don't want to be what I am.

The End

bjxmas

October 2011

All standard disclaimers apply.

_I'm always conflicted on how Dean feels about himself, and about all the comments from Bobby and Sam that he doesn't feel he's worth anything. I don't know if that is it exactly, or if Dean simply has such impossibly high standards for himself that he could never feel he measures up…and also that he is the sort of person to always put others before himself. As much as I love John, John contributed to Dean's self-image with the unreasonable demands he put on his eldest. I think for a very long time, Dean's biggest fear was disappointing Dad…or Sam._

_Like Jo said, I don't think Dean knows himself…and a part of him is afraid to find out. He needn't worry. He is a good man, an incomparable hero and someone we all find worthy of our respect._

_Comments appreciated. Take care, B.J. _


	12. Hunter

Chapter Twelve – Hunter

The world of a hunter is complicated.

Intense and constantly shifting.

There are always decisions to be made.

What's right…what's wrong?

Who lives…who dies?

How far is too far?

This was a hard one.

Not in what to do.

Rather how to live with the aftermath.

As a hunter, you do the job.

The rest you bury.

Along with the bodies of the things you waste.

Into the depths.

Where there is only the murmur of what you've done.

You do the job until you can't.

Until your bill comes due.

Until the weight of what you've become destroys you.

The End

bjxmas

October 2011

All standard disclaimers apply.

_I'm out of comments. This is wrong, Dean is wrong…but turning it around? I don't know how he's supposed to accomplish that. I only know he deserves better._

_Discussion, comments…hope? Our beautiful, beautiful boys…how will they survive all their job demands of them?_

_This will be my last update before Christmas. I'm still going to try and post that Christmas story…where does the time go?_

_Happy Holidays to all! – B.J._


	13. Desperate

Chapter Thirteen – Desperate

I know family.

What it means.

What someone will do to protect their own.

I've been there.

Seen the repercussions.

Felt the fallout.

I've been on that side of the decision.

And I've made the wrong choice.

I've danced with the devil and paid the price.

If there are no barriers.

No limits to what one would do for love.

Then someone else needs to hold that line.

Someone else needs to rein you back.

A desperate man knows no boundaries…fears no consequence.

Has no conscience.

That's why I need to remain detached.

Steady in what I know is right.

The End

bjxmas

October 2011

All standard disclaimers apply.

_I hate that Dean feels that he must jettison his feelings to do the job. It is understandable, but it is also what makes him human and so much more than a cold-stone killer. There is much danger in doing the job, great personal cost to the man who is forced to be the judge and jury on who deserves to die. But if a man is to make those hard decisions for mankind, then I want that man to be Dean Winchester._

_Comments appreciated. Take care, B.J._


	14. Survival

Chapter Fourteen - Survival

It's natural to want to survive.

It's instinct and drive.

Determination and skill

That allows someone to live on.

Survival of the fittest.

The most cunning.

The most ruthless.

I can't fault a creature for the desire.

But I am not going to condone their brutality either.

My job is to protect the innocents from what lurks in the shadows.

My duty to save them.

To kill whatever is looking to kill us.

It's nature.

To defend your own.

I'm good at my job.

Our planet, our rules.

Our justice and our right

To defend ourselves from all other creatures.

The End

bjxmas

October 2011

All standard disclaimers apply.

_Thanks for reading. Take care, B.J._


	15. Cold

Chapter Fifteen - Cold

Some might call me cold.

Unemotional…detached.

I can't argue the point.

But I'm not cruel.

Not intentionally.

It needed doing.

It was necessary.

How do I handle it and get through another day?

There's drinking and pills.

But those only take the edge off.

I lock down the emotion.

Deep inside.

And I try to survive.

If I allowed my emotions to surface.

If I felt it all.

Well…I don't think I could keep going.

Beyond a monster getting me one day.

That's the biggest threat.

That one day I won't be able to ignore what's rumbling in my gut.

The End

bjxmas

October 2011

All standard disclaimers apply.

_No, I absolutely do not believe Dean is cold or detached. Rather he feels too much...and there is so much for him to feel bad about, which is why he tries to distance himself from his feelings, tries to do the job and not let the fallout touch him. He never succeeds and that is what makes him so vulnerable to the hurt and the pain. He tries to be strong and not acknowledge it, but it is always there, tugging at his consciousness and causing him unrest. Denial is a bitch..._

_Thanks for reading and reviewing (if the mood strikes). Later, B.J._


	16. Guilt

Chapter Sixteen - Guilt

The weight is heavy.

But then it always is.

Guilt, regret.

Pain and sorrow.

All twisted together with the certainty.

My actions were just…right…_necessary._

The life of a hunter is filled with unsavory acts.

Harsh deeds, raw deals.

Actions that are near impossible to justify.

Unless you lock a piece of yourself away.

No room for tenderness or concern.

For compassion and mercy.

Hard lines and harder actions.

A brick wall to hide behind.

To fortify your nerves when danger threatens.

The danger of caring, of losing focus.

Of regret.

A hunter can't surrender himself.

Can't feel.

Too much pain.

The End

bjxmas

October 2011

All standard disclaimers apply.

_The problem with Dean is he can't not feel…and it tears him up inside. So he self-medicates and tries to avoid the issue, tries to mask the pain and deny the hurt. He is strong and determined, and conditioned to trudging onward…but what happens when he can't? When the toll becomes too much and the demands too taxing? _

_Comments? Thanks for reading, until next time. - B.J._


	17. Worth

Chapter Seventeen - Worth

I was never a kid.

Never allowed the time to grow up.

Seems I've been on this road so long.

No choice, no decision made.

Rolling with what was expected.

Existing within the maelstrom.

Surviving but never living.

I want to feel.

Want to live, really live.

I admire my brother.

How he's managed to find acceptance.

I don't know if I can.

But I want to.

I need to.

For Sam.

For myself.

For that child that never was.

I want to not only know the value in what I do.

But feel the worth of who I am.

The End

bjxmas

October 2011

All standard disclaimers apply.

_For me, it all comes down to acceptance for Dean and recognition that he does have true worth, beyond hunting, beyond being a desirable man able to bed a woman…that who he is at his core is good and likeable. He is! Dean is the most amazing man and one day he will know that and truly feel it. He will look in the mirror and see the beauty of his true essence, the worth of who he is._

_Thanks again for coming along on this journey. I love exploring this most fascinating character._

_Just a few more chapters and this verse will be complete._

_Later, B.J._


	18. Acceptance

Chapter Eighteen – Acceptance

I don't know how to reconcile my feelings.

To atone for what I've done.

To justify who and what I am.

I'm trying to find some balance.

A ledge to keep me from the depths.

Perched precariously on the edge of the abyss.

All I see is darkness and pain.

I know what I do needs doing.

Know that I'm the man for the job.

What I don't know is how to live with my actions.

How do I turn this twisted life around?

So I can look up instead of down?

So I can live with what I've done?

The End

bjxmas

October 2011

All standard disclaimers apply.

_Comments? _


	19. Simple

Chapter Nineteen - Simple

"_Nothing in our lives is simple." _

Sam believes that...believes in the gray.

Believes in the good that can live at the heart of a monster.

I can't.

I won't.

With all the crap we've been through.

From dying to Hell to almost starting the Apocalypse.

I've had one thing to hold onto.

One thing to believe in.

That what we do.

Saving people.

Hunting things.

_The family business._

Is right and just.

It's what makes all the sacrifice mean something.

It's the one certainty I can hold firm to besides my family.

If I don't have that, then what?

The End

bjxmas

October 2011

All standard disclaimers apply.

_I thought this was going to be the final chapter, back to the beginning...to saving people, hunting things, the family business!_

_That and taking care of their family, watching each others' backs, is the foundation on which they can build the rest of their lives, where hopefully they will one day have more, a family and the peace they deserve._

_Two more chapters to go. Thanks again for coming along on this ride, much appreciated._

_B.J._


	20. Believe

Chapter Twenty - Believe

Some might think this is all about Sam.

About changing who you are.

About self-determination.

They're wrong.

Oh, sure, I wonder.

Hope that Sam can maintain.

That he'll always be my brother.

Always do good.

I can't dwell on it.

Can't wait for him to falter.

Expecting him to turn evil.

I have to believe.

In him.

In us.

That what we do matters.

That who he is means more than what's been done to him.

He's my brother.

I love him.

I believe in his goodness.

If I can't believe in that then I have nothing…

So I believe.

The End

bjxmas

October 2011

All standard disclaimers apply.

_As Dean says here, it isn't all about Sam. It isn't all about whether you are a monster or not, it comes down to whether you have taken human lives. Amy had, Sam never did. Sam sees himself in Amy. Dean doesn't, never has. Dean will always be the big brother, the guy who looks out for everyone...his family, his brother, all the innocents in the world. Amy was a danger to them. _

_Dean believes in Sam. It is an integral part of who he is, what he has to believe to carry on. I don't want him to ever lose that, but he can find a reason to believe in himself. A reason beyond the hunt and protecting his family. There is no argument that he deserves that, but not at the loss of all he's ever had to believe in. Family...it is what matters most to Dean, and Sam is all that's left now. _

_I love discussion, so comment away. Thanks for reading, take care, B.J._


	21. Searching

_This is the final chapter. I could probably go on forever, so much to explore with our bold hunter and the impossible choices he is constantly forced to make…but this seems like a good place to end, for now. I will always have more to say about Dean Winchester. He will still be a compelling man into his eighties and beyond…and yes, I certainly hope he makes it there and finds some peace for all he's done for the world. The man deserves some rest at some point. Thanks for all the lovely comments. This has been a bittersweet ride, beautiful insight alongside all that pain that Dean forever carries with him. Later, B.J._

xxx

Chapter Twenty-one – Searching

It's dark and cold.

The wind is howling and I'm alone.

Desperate, scared…_unsure._

My gut clenches and I take a step.

Just one.

Towards what end isn't clear.

I just know I need to move.

Have to try.

To find my way.

To seek out purpose and worth.

To finally find out who I am.

I am not afraid.

I know what I need to do.

I'm just not clear on how.

On where I'm going,

Or when I'll get there.

That's never stopped me before.

It won't now.

I'm Dean Winchester.

I'm searching for truth.

For justice.

_For me. _

The End

bjxmas

November 2011

All standard disclaimers apply.

_So, that's it! Thanks for coming along on this journey through the passageways of Dean's head. It is one of my favorite pastimes, examining this most fascinating man and hopefully illuminating some of his responses to the brutality of his life._

_Comments are always much appreciated. Until next time, when Dean muscles his way inside my noggin and again decides to talk._

_B.J._


End file.
